Motzei Shabbat, I went to an ATIME lecture in Jerusalem. There were three women speaking, a bit about their experiences in the life of a frum person dealing with infertility as well as coping mechanisms in dealing with their own feelings and dealing with well-meaning and unknowing friends and family and yes, even strangers.

The first woman to speak is in her mid- to late-40’s, married 25 years, with a 7 1/2 year old son and a 3 1/2 year old daughter. The second woman to speak was also a woman in her mid-40’s, who after many years of childlessness, gave birth to a severely brain damaged son. She said there will be no other children for her. The last woman to speak was a woman who just turned 30 and just celebrated her 10th wedding anniversary. As yet, she has no children.

The theme of the first woman’s talk was perspective, although she never actually used that word. She spoke mostly about how we perceive our situation and what kind of attitude we take towards it. Do we languish at home, sitting in a dark living room, bemoaning our fate, living from one doctor’s appointment to the next, envying those who have what we don’t...or do we use our time more constructively by giving to the community or building friendships and relationships.

The last woman also spoke about perspective, but more on how we perceive and react to comments from unknowing, non-understanding and generally clueless friends, family and strangers. The general consensus is that unless someone is going through the same or a similar situation, there’s no way that person can understand. They react and say what they do because they just cannot comprehend. And the truth is, we don’t need them to understand. There’s apparently a need to impart information, but let’s move on now, please.

I’ve noticed that many women post to the ATIME forum, complain about ‘stupid’ people, or ‘insensitive’ people and the comments they make or the questions they ask, when in reality, it’s just a total lack of understanding. Either they don’t realize how much infertility hurts, or their comments, as far as they’re concerned, are meant to comfort us. Most people aren’t intentionally cruel, certainly we’d like to think our family and friends wouldn’t go out of their way to hurt us. But again, it comes down to perspective. Having trouble conceiving or carrying a pregnancy to term is a situation that many people cannot fathom.

Everyone envisions certain situations in life, and plans out how they’ll react. But until you’re IN that situation, it’s all speculation. I’d always thought that if I were mugged on the street, I’d scream my head off. But when the reality came, all I could do was stare at the meat cleaver the guy was waving in my face and stand there, terrified into inaction. I’d always thought that if someone touched me in an inappropriate way, I’d make the biggest fuss I could and give the guy a punch or kick he’d remember. When the reality came, I shifted away, when he followed, I pinched his hand. When that still didn’t deter him, I moved my seat. And have spent the last 8 years kicking myself for giving in so quietly.

The second woman who spoke, talked about relationships. She brought the expected, yet beautiful and difficult story of Yaakov, Leah and Rachel. A question she brought up is why wasn’t Rachel buried in Ma’arat HaMachpelah (Tomb of the Patriarchs) alongside Yaakov who adored her. Anyone who has been to Israel knows that Bet Lechem and Hevron are only 2 hours apart, as the donkey travels. Instead, Rachel is buried alone, and Leah, a woman not loved by Yaakov, is buried near him. Throughout her married life, Rachel yearned to be a mother. It was all she wanted to be. A wife, as far as she was concerned, was a means to an end. For Rachel, having a child came at the expense of her relationship with Yaakov. For Leah however, being a mother was secondary to being a wife. The desire to be a partner, to be loved by her husband was important.

Unfortunately for us, Orthodox society seems to have taken the “Rachel approach”. A young couple gets married and the race is on to get pregnant. Heaven help them if a sibling gets married around the same time because then it truely becomes a race. The perception is that in addition to the stress of a new way of living, getting to know one another and savoring ‘couplehood’, there’s the added stress of proving oneself by either being in later stages of pregnancy or already in parenthood by the first wedding anniversary.

We need to change this perception. We need to rethink the seemingly single-mindedness communities have towards having babies vs. nurturing a couples relationship. And just as importantly, we need to remove the stigma of infertility in our communities. We shouldn’t be ashamed with the life that Hashem has seen fit to give us.