I'm getting some housework, I promise. But if I thought it would help distract me from my grief, I was wrong.
One of the things that I've been mulling over is why I am so absolutely grief-stricken... because that's really the only word to describe how I feel. I am stricken by grief. I am just... so sad.
And then I realized something... when I found out my grandfather passed away, I was deeply saddened. I cried upon hearing the news... and yes, for the first 24 hours, whenever I thought of him, it brought tears to my eyes. But honestly? I moved on rather quickly. Here, it's 2 full days later and I'm crying as I sweep the salon. I cried on the bus yesterday. I positively wept at the funeral.
And I think I've realized why... and forgive me if it was obvious to you. My grandfather was about 90 years old when he passed away, and for his last 10 years or so he suffered from Alzheimer's. He'd led a full life. He had SO MUCH to be proud of with regard to the family he and my grandmother created... the dynasty they built. His passing was sad, but it was also a Yeshua (deliverance).
Rachel was 32. Sure, she wasn't the poster child of physical or mental health, but God... she was finally on her way UP... these past 2 weeks or so... it's just so fucking cruel and not fair... and that's just it. She was so young and still had so much to offer and do.
I prayed for her every day. Maybe I shouldn't admit this publically, but every time I went to the Mikvah (ritual bath), I prayed for her. Every time I made challah, I prayed for her. And every time she posted about another failed fertility cycle, I cried for her.
Whatever... I need to finish sweeping the salon...